What Babies Need

When I was pregnant, I posted on Facebook asking all of my mommy friends what they suggested I put on my baby registry. The list was overwhelming. There were so many suggestions for where she should sleep, what kind of clothing she might need, what baby toys would be best for her development, what she might want to snuggle. After the post had been up for two hours or so, I went to check the comments and immediately felt like I needed to go sit in a dark room and take deep breaths.

Then, a good friend of mine, an amazing mom with three kids and the most laid back attitude I've come across, gave me a piece of advice that still sticks with me ten months into first-time motherhood: "The baby only needs what you tell the baby to need."

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Bam! The registry was no longer a dejected puppy staring at me with sad eyes, begging me to take it home and think about it every living moment. It suddenly became very clear - she's a baby!  A tiny, sweet baby who will need me to change her and love her and feed her and rock her and cuddle her and entertain her and challenge her. As far as I could see, I could do most of that with hugs.

I know, I know. What a mush, what a delusional hippie I am. But really, what do babies need? Let's think about this logically:

• Diapers
• Diaper Cream
• Soap
• Clothes
• Food (Formula or Breast Milk to start)
• Lotion
• Blankets, Sheets
• Place to sleep (crib, co sleeper, your bed, bassinet, etc...)
• Books
• Medical Supplies (Tylenol, nail clippers, saline drops and bulb, thermometer)
• Something to cuddle besides Mama and Daddy
• LOVE

As they get older, this list gets longer. A playpen was helpful, a swing. But really, if you have limited space, you can make things work. At ten months, my baby is crawling and getting into everything, but a good, old fashioned pillow fort still works to keep her sort of contained and safe. People will buy your kid so many toys, clothes and books you won't know what to do with them. You can let go of the list that scares you even though you're the one who made it. 

Seriously, step away from the list.

Now, make a new one. Think of what you really need. Stick some stuff you want in there because you're pregnant, your hips hurt and you deserve random cuteness. And go put your feet up. nap contentedly. Spend your time on stuff that makes you happy and NOT STRESSED AT ALL. All that's over soon, Mama!  ;-)

I've Made a Decision and It's Going to Make Disney Mad

I'm the first time mom of an 8 month old and I've made a decision; I just don’t want her to love Disney princesses. Don’t get me wrong. I was a HUGE Cinderella fan as a child. Something about the idea that  your dreams could come true if you wished hard enough, that if you were a good person, good things would happen to you, drew me in. For a good year, I watched that movie every single day when I got home from school with a bag of nachos and some heated Cheez Wiz. (Listen, my diet is not the issue here.) It was the first “I’m enjoying myself by myself” ritual I can remember and one that resides happily in my heart.

But Cinderella was a weakling. She couldn’t get herself out of a bad situation, could not rise above the poverty line without magic and a man to save her.

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And let’s not stop there. Ariel gives up her actual identity just to be with a man who does not even recognize her. I mean, with the whole scene of her singing and looking at him longingly with her impossibly big eyes as he lays there, you would think her face would be burned into his consciousness.

Snow White takes it upon herself to clean the dwarfs’ house before she’s even met them, because that’s just what women do. Sleeping Beauty can’t possibly wake herself up. Little Red Riding Hood is a stupid girl who cannot look out for herself or foresee any danger in her future. She’s can’t even tell that her grandmother is not her grandmother but an actual wolf, a disgusting, feral wolf who probably smells like wolf and can’t even bake a good pie. These women are not strong. Their stories do not present a world in which my daughter will be able to see herself taking care of herself, being strong and independent, being her without a him, without magic, without the mercy of a huntsman who, of course, is the only one who can spare her life.

So, how do I teach her about the lessons that matter from those stories - mercy, love, belief in the good of the world - without her subconsciously grasping onto the absolute weakness and inability to be self-sufficient that many of these princesses represent? After all, it’s not all bullshit. Just the parts about what women do.

Leaving My Daughter With Someone Else - Will She Freak Out?

The question all working parents face: Will my kid freak out if I leave her with someone else?

The nerves that accompany this question are like little germs making their way to a host, quietly spreading their negativity and malice. As if you don't already feel nervous about a million and one things concerning this little human (Does she feel warm? Are those pjs too small on her now? Is she going to choke if I give her a Cheerio?), now you wonder if she'll feel abandoned when you leave her at day care. You ask the woman there not to let her see you walk out the door, you picture all manner of crumbling, red, forlorn, screaming baby face for an hours long stretch while you - gasp! - enjoy your job. You're so selfish, mom. You're so selfish, dad.

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The platitudes and advice from others come ferociously.

"It will be good for her."
"She needs to socialize."
"She'll adjust after a couple of days."

All well meaning, and probably true, but does that stop you from irrationally telling yourself that she's going to hate you well beyond her teenage years, not invite you to her wedding and write memoirs about her self-involved, pathetic jerk of a parent? Hell no.

The truth is, you won't know if she'll freak out until you do leave her there, and you can't NOT leave her there if you want to keep your job, and you have to keep your job if you want to buy her pjs that fit and keep her in Cheerios. Just know we all understand, mama (or dada). You're not alone. We're all worried about this scary, gut-wrenching, necessary milestone called The Babysitter.

UPDATE: Tomorrow is the day. Aside from her food, I have all of my little bird's stuff packed up for daycare. I have, intellectually, come to terms with the fact that this is good for her, that she will need to be around other children, that I am lucky to not have to be on-site to teach five days a week, that this is a way for her to learn to interact with others. I totally get it.

But am I still dreading the drop off?  You bet.

UPDATE #2: Dropped her off today and cried after in my car.  How could I not? When I called to check in, I was told she cried the first 20 minutes or so and then was fed and happy for the rest of the time. I guess this is harder for me than it is for her!

An Ode to Single Mothers Everywhere

Dear Single Mothers,

My husband recently went on a trip to India. It came at an interesting time. My six month old was just starting antibiotics (for the second time and this time, on Augmentin. Ever seen a baby's poop on Augmentin? Don't even get me started) for a wicked double ear infection. It was the first time she was really, truly sick; she had a high fever, lots of greenery coming out of her nose, was unable to eat without taking breaks because of the congestion and certainly was not sleeping through the night. Thankfully, I'm a professor so I was on winter break, but still...

I have to give serious kudos to single mothers everywhere. It was difficult even to do this temporarily with one kid, a baby. I can't even imagine doing it constantly with more than one child, older children and babies at the same time, etc.  My mother had three children under the age of 10 when my father died and I have never respected her as much as I do right now, an hour before I leave to pick my husband up from the airport.

Ladies, you are awesome. I realize you probably have to pull some magic strings to shower, to put make up on before you leave the house.  Keeping the house clean, sticking to routine, walking the dog - it's all on you.  So, as I sit next to a napping baby who is finally feeling better, I absolutely salute you.  Your house may be a mess at times, you may have to wear your child in the freezing cold while you walk the dog, you may not remember what an adult movie looks like, you may forget to eat.  But you take care of your children.  Rock on, mamas.